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Dear Myra and Ilsensine; Conran: Newbie Guide to Orders

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Issue #51  August 2001
 Mortal Staff:
 Begaria, Conran, Ilsensine, Indalecio, Jaryl, Khraimran, Kuah, Maray,
 Myra, Naithalia, Noplex, Sarig
 Immortal Staff:
 Elisabet(Sponsor) Tical(Finance)

               The Cry of Despair . Table of Contents
Desk of the Editor
A full wastebasket, and a newbie editor

FEATURE! Dear Myra and Ilsensine
Advice from the heart, and the heartless.

Newbie's Guide to Orders
What you need to know before making those applications.

Not Your 6 O'Clock News
Reviews of the Olympic Games, Heroic Quests, and Council Doings.

Quest Central
The Crossword returns! And a thinking quest from Elisabet, too.

Funny Bones
Don't read this on the privy! Guaranteed to cause flatulence.

Where to send submissions, ideas, faults and thanks

              The Cry of Despair . Desk of the Editor
 It's issue 51, kids. The great milestone that shows that we've managed
 to go beyond some people's expectations and have lasted this long. Of 
 course, none of this would be possible if it wasn't for a hard-working
 staff, an awesome editor for 50 issues, and you, the readers. Without
 your criticism and praise, the paper wouldn't have lasted so long. 
 I think we must extend our gratitude to Kuah for his past feats and 
 accomplishments as editor, and I thank everyone who congratulated me
 for taking up this venture. I had no idea the kind of work Kuah went
 through to release each issue, and it's not an easy job, so I really 
 have to give kudos to him for staying in these shoes so long. 
 The 51st issue is looking good, with something for everyone and a brand
 new column, Dear Myra and Ilsensine, this month's feature. 
 Much of the layout of the paper will be kept the same. I think we all 
 feel the current layout looks great, and is easy to follow. However,
 if you have any suggestions, we have a public board in the Town Hall. 
 Don't hesitate to be critical because those are what keep the paper
 fresh and new for everyone.


          The Cry of Despair . Dear Myra and Ilsensine
 Dear Myra and Ilsensine, 

 I never thought that me and my girlfriend would ever get
 caught. We were out in the back seat just shooting the
 breeze, with her hair up in curlers and her skirt to her

 Just Married 

 Dear Just Married,
 My first question of course would be, "just what exactly
 were you doing in that back seat?"  Now, assuming that you
 and your new bride were engaging what any healthy newlywed
 couple would do, I would recommend you just turn the other
 cheek and continue on with life.  No one can blame you for
 excercising your new gods given right to show each other
 how much you love one another.  Now if legal charges are
 involved, you may want to look for a good lawyer.

 Dear Just Married,
 Urrgh, if there is one thing I hate it's whiny, sappy, 
 over-emotional fools. And you sir, are certainly one of those!
 What does this letter mean? Have you never heard of content! Who 
 has caught you? And what is the big deal here? So what if they 
 caught you and your Mrs. with your proverbial pants around your 
 ankles? Did the person who caught you take pictures? Did they join 
 in? Did anything of any note whatsoever actually take place? I get 
 the distinct feeling you are wasting my time, young man! Why I've 
 a right mind to take you over my knee and slap you silly! Curses, 
 you bore me most awfully. I need more gin. Bah humbug. If you really 
 must tax me for advice, I suggest you get a divorce and emmigrate 
 to the other side of the tracks.

 Dear Myra and Ilsensine,

 How do I get the ladies to like me?

 Lonely in Limbo

 Dear Lonely in Limbo,

 My first suggestion is to stop idling.  Although Puff is a
 great bartender, Limbo is not the greatest place to pick up
 women.  My next suggestion would be to clean up your act.
 Try going to the temples to meet women of the same deity or
 visit your nationland to meet women of the same race.  I
 hope you find what you're looking for.

 Dear Lonely in Limbo,

 *sigh* It does so break my cold, shrivelled little heart to
 hear such a tale of... absolute, unadulterated, self-indulgent
 pish-posh! Now... where was I. Oh yes... you. Lonely you say? 
 One has to question what on earth you are doing in Limbo if you 
 are lonely. Silly man. Well... I have decided to give you the
 benefit of my extensive and all powerful knowledge on such 
 matters. To get ladies to like you, you are going to need to 
 have a more unique odour. I suggest fish, herring or trout will 
 suffice, or mackeral if it's in season in Limbo. Take the fish, 
 leave to fester for 2-3 days in an open cess-pit, remove, douse 
 in parafin and squeeze into a jar. Use the resultant lotion 
 liberally all over the body. Soon you shall have females flocking
 from all over the realms just to froth in your funk. If this 
 fails... well you will just have to face the fact that you are 
 sumpremely repulsive to ladies and buy one with a blow up air-
 slot at the back.

 Have problems? Need advice? Or are you sadistic enough to
 allow yourself to be mentally thrashed about the head by

 If you've answered "Yes" to any of the above questions, 
 mudmail your problem(s) to:

 Myra Ilsensine
 With the subject line "I Need Help"

 Anonymity is guaranteed unless you wish to be known. Your
 question will be considered against the others received, and 
 advice given in the next issue of the Cry of Despair. The amount 
 of problems answered is dependant on public submission.

           The Cry of Despair . Newbie's Guide to Orders
 A Newbie's Guide To... Orders - by Conran

 Yes, back to the "monthly" newbies guides.  This month we'll look
 at Orders. You may remember an earlier article on Guilds.  Orders
 aren't that much different, in many ways, and your knowledge on
 them so far can be used as a great starting point here. I'll start
 off by explaining the differences.

 Orders are, in general, for more experienced players. This isn't to
 say that experienced players can't be in Guilds, but more often than
 not, people who join Orders have spent some time in a Guild already.
 It's been my experience that Guilds are an excellent place to learn 
 to play your characters, while Orders spend more time making you use 
 the skills that you've already learned.

 There are currently 8 Orders in the Realms. They can be listed by
 typing 'orders' 

 Orders follow a similar induction process as guilds.  Most Orders
 have a help file for you to read up on so you'll know how to apply.
 Help (Order name) will usually let you know if the help file exists, 
 or not. If not, try hlist (Order name) or hlist (Order abbreviation,
 being one of DS, MS, Arc, RB, Inc, Baa, RNF or Asc)

 Another difference is that each Order has its own deity, or immortal
 overseer. This can be helpful in many ways, to the Order.  The 
 headquarters are also their own areas, and are much larger than that 
 of guilds. The thing that makes Orders unique, however, is the fact 
 that they allow different classes to join them - Other that this, 
 things are quite similar between Guilds and Orders.

 Please keep in mind that as a newbies guide, however, this article 
 is intended more to explain what an order is - Like I've said a 
 number of times, I would suggest joining a Guild before joining an

           The Cry of Despair . Not Your 6 O'Clock News
 Summer Olympics 2001 - by Khaimran

 On Saturday the 14th of July, the Nations of the Realms of Despair  
 came together to compete against each other, warrior against warrior,
 sage against sage...
 ... in the Summer 2001 Olympics!
 The Elven, Half-orc, Dwarven, Sea-elven, Half-troll, Drow, Half-elf,
 Human, and Pixie Nations all submitted teams to participate, and 
 here are the results of the contests.

 The first involved each Nation submitting a flag, which would be
 judged by the Olympics Planning Committee... After some deliberation,
 the Committee decided upon the Elven Flag designed by Siatre, for 
 3rd Place. It bore a flower and an inscription. Kuah's Half-troll 
 flag, bearing a motif of a sword was judged as 2nd best. The 
 wonderfully drawn Sea-Elf flag which depicted a leaping dolphin won
 1st place, and it was designed by Faya.

 Next came the Pageant, to decide Mr/Ms Realms 2001! The large number
 of entries, and their high quality made this extremely difficult to
 judge. Despite an... exceptional entry from Kuah, which.. lets say,
 showed off his attributes, the judges eventually decided on Faandax
 of the Drow for 3rd place, Siatre of the Elves for for 2nd, and 
 Falennt of the Sea-Elves in 1st. The contest consisted of picking a 
 suitable costume, performing a talent, then answering three queries
 of a random nature.

 The Summertime Fun item-find was next. This involved teams from each
 Nation running around attempting to find various items essential for
 having a good time in summer, including a skimpy red bikini (latest
 fashion in the half-ogre hometown Opallinoc, I hear), and some
 sunscreen lotion. After much running around, killing mobs, digging,
 and searching, the combined Elf/Half-elf team of Pachinko, Aglician
 and Shimone third, Kuah and Sareko of the Half-trolls came second, 
 and Gaterykan, Poli and Myrr representing the Dwarves came first.

 After all that exhausting stuff, it was time to find the supreme  
 Alphabet Reapers! The Alphabet Corpse quest involved the teams 
 killing a mob for each letter of the alphabet in order. There was 
 much blood spilled, and much heroics... such as killing birds and 
 ants. Frown. Anyway, the order in which they came was the combined 
 Elven/Half-elven team of Pachinko and Aglician in third, the Sea-
 elven team of Falennt,  Giko and Vespers in second, and the Dwarven 
 team of Gaterykan and Poli in first.

 The mixed pkill/mkill Bullfighting event in the arena came next. A  
 number of highly aggressve and highly fearsome bulls were sent into
 the arena, along with the competitors from the nations. What followed
 was a bloodbath, and at the end emerged Vrakk for the Half-orcs in 
 3rd place, Faandax in second place for the Drow, and Gaterykan and 
 Poli for the Dwarves in first.

 Lastly, we had the Loremaster's event. This event tested the creativity 
 of the contestants... Each had to pick at random a note containing a
 short description of a fantasy character, e.g. Middle-aged half-elf
 female, and then write a description for it within 15 minutes. This
 was definitely the hardest contest to judge, for me at least...
 The Half-troll Kuah came in third, the Eternal Pixie Godmother Gwvyrn
 came second,  and Falennt of the Sea-elves won the competition, with 
 a superb description of a young male halfling.

 The end positions were:
  Half-trolls in third place.
  Dwarves in second place.
  Sea-elves as overall winners.

 Overall, I think its safe to say that everyone had great fun. These
 were probably the best Olympics yet, so I'd like not only to extend
 a heartfelt congratulations to all competitors, but also thank 
 everyone for taking part. If you'd like to get some nifty prizes, 
 earn a little glory, and have some great fun, make sure you take part
 next time! HELP OLYMPICS for more info, and keep your eyes peeled 
 for advertisements going up in a few months. Thanks again, everyone!

 The Symposium News - by Shingo
 Welcome to a brand new edition of the Symposium's News. Three weeks
 have been accounted for and the results of each week's meeting has
 been scribed here. July 9th was a day off for most of the council,
 as we participated in quest to save the notes from the Symposium
 Board from page-eating bookworms!

 July 2nd, 2001
 Augurer's Attacks - Decided that it required more work.
 Slip, Eye and Riposte - All denied
 Prompt New line - Passed

 July 9th, 2001
 No Work Done! Quest!

 July 16th, 2001
 Augurer's Attacks - Will be left as they are. No change.
 Multi-caster spells - Moved to the Spell/Skill subcommittee within 
   The Symposium to be further worked on.
 Gold mobile - Denied

 July 23, 2001
 Auction IP Check - Passed
 Prediction - Denied
 Spell Damage Multiplier - Being looked into by the S/S subcommittee.
 Additions to the 'Who' command - Denied

 If you have questions regarding what was discussed, or what will soon
 be discussed, ask your organization's representative, or an At Large

 Inter-Order Challenge - Firfael's Sword - by Khaimran

 On July the 8th, four members from each of the Orders of the Realms 
 came together for the latest Inter-Order Quest. The Order of
 Ringbearers provided us with a fabulous quest, and I'll try to do 
 justice in describing it to you.

 Word had it in Darkhaven that a sword of immense power had been lost
 and broken, shattered into four pieces. An old man was seen headed
 north-east from Darkhaven... He seemed somewhat demented, but 
 claimed that he knew how to recover and make the blade whole. The
 Orders were set the task of recovering the four pieces...

 Dragonslayer discovered the first piece, the blade, in Coral Depths.
 The Scabbard of the sword was found in the Blasted Lands by Inconnu.
 Baali ventured to Octopus Garden, and the hilt of the sword was
 found. Lastly, Mahn-Tor was revealed as the place in which the pommel
 rested, by Ascendre.

 The four pieces were given to the old man, in the hopes that it 
 be made whole once more... To the shock of those assembled, however,
 the old man transformed himself into Firfael the Demon once he was
 in possession of the four pieces. Those present reacted quickly, 
 however, and soon Firfael was defeated without a single casualty.

 I spoke to Leart (the IOQC immortal) after the quest, and picked up
 his opinions on it. He pointed out that recently, many of the IOQC
 quests hadn't been up to standard. This was mainly because of orders
 not giving themselves enough time to prepare the quests. He did point
 out that Dekkath did an admirable job with this quest though, bearing
 in mind the time and other limits he'd been forced to work under,
 which he wouldn't have had normally. In case you're wondering how you 
 can help your own order, the series in which Orders prepare quests
 is under the 'orders' list. i.e. DS first, MS second... Orders
 Orders should give themselves as much time as possible in advance to
 prepare quests. On this note, Dekkath himself told me that Ringbearers
 were already planning their next IOQC quest, and its going to be 
 much better than this one. So why don't the rest of the Orders rise
 to the challenge, and try to do even better ;)

 Inter-Guild Mayhem - Auril the Frost Maiden - by Shingo

 The Guilds heard the cry from Auril the Frost Maiden. 5 members from
 each Guild were to head to the Kinship of the Guilds to hear her 
 story. Of the ten guilds, nine showed up, though the Rangers only 
 had one participant, who had to leave early on. The Guild of Clerics
 never responded promptly enough, and were thus left out of the game.

 It appeared that Auril had her frost-shattered lilies taken away from 
 her. 5 teams of 8 members inter-mixed from the different guilds had
 set out to find as many of the 40 lilies as they could, which were 
 hidden within "hot spots" around the Realms. The lilies needed to be
 placed with a vase of ice crystal, to prevent them from melting. 

 90 minutes later, Auril requested that the lilies which were found be 
 returned to her in the vases. Immediately after receiving a full vase
 of 5 lilies, Auril's true nature emerged. She planned to engulf the
 Realms in a deep winter for eternity, and retreated to her palace to
 do so.

 The teams were brought to her palace, and needed to fight her castle 
 guard, Cryogantilmaxian for the key to gain entrance. Upon the first
 step within, Auril became aggressive and attacked everyone in her
 room with a halo of ice, causing much ill fate to some. 

 An hour later, Auril decided that Antarctica be her wandering grounds
 for the siege on the Realms. The teams responded, but unfortunately, 
 Auril was too good, and the quest ended with evil winning.

 Ilsensine of the Guild of Druids was the creator of the quest and 
 did a fine job in creating an extremely difficult finisher. It was 
 well thought out, and easy going at first, making one believe that
 the next leg of the game would be just as simple, but much to the 
 surprise of everyone, Auril proved to be a very difficult challenge. 

 The next Guild to host the Inter-Guild Quest will be the Guild of
 Mages. We look forward to their game in one month's time.

                 The Cry of Despair . Quest Central
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 This is a word quest.  You need to come up with a related word 
 for each letter of the vertical word that starts with each letter.  
 The following is an example of the quest. 
 M - meat
 E - eating out (multiple word phrases work, not sentences though)
 A - apple
 L - lunch

 All of the words relate to the vertical word.  All entries will be 
 judged for appropriateness and then compared.  Each letter will be
 looked at and compared to all entries.  If a word (or similar word) 
 appears more than once, it will not be counted for you.  The winner 
 will be the one with the most original words.  If there is a tie, 
 one winner will be chosen randomly from the winning entries. 

 All questions should be asked or mudmailed to Elisabet.  If you are 
 unsure of something please ask, DON'T assume.  Only one entry per 
 real live person. (No submitting with alts, all entries will be 

 Submissions must be mudmailed no later than August 19 at midnight EST. 

 Here is your vertical phrase:




 July 2001, Quest Results

 Congratulations, Qizatch
 Here is the winning entry

 The Maker - Thoric, Father of Gods
 The Keeper - Blodkai, Weaver of Order and Chaos
 The Greater Forces of Life - Nivek, God of Order
                            - Kali, Blooddrinker
                            - Scryn, God of Chaos
 Powers Unfettered  - Darrek, Master of Wyrms
                    - Altrag, God of Magic
 Gods of the Powers - Moonbeam, Goddess of Faith
                    - Dria, Soulslayer
                    - Edmond, God of Life
 Forbidden Demon    - Taboo, Angel of Chaos
 The Caretaker     - Stoneheft, Watcher of mortals
 Gods of the World - Hoerkin, God of Wealth
                   - Adonia, Godess of Hopelessness
                   - Ceirana, Mother Nature
                   - Iliana, Smiling Death
                   - Cersei, Godess of Love
                   - Luc, the Mystic
                   - Leart, Lord of Pain
 Gods of Devotion  - Raltaris, The Keeper
                   - Elisabet, Exaggerateress of Feet
                   - Viracocha, Creator of Ants
                   - Grishnakh, Helper of Morons
 Gods of Completion - Aphrael, The Female Force
                    - Tical, Keeper of the Known
                    - Cadimus, The Male Force
 Forces of Guidance - Korell, Strength from Bravura
                    - Selina, One-Eye
                    - Thorpe, Guide of Heroes
                    - Loril, Keeper of the Young
                    - Tiki, Mother of all Thieves
                    - Herne, Balancing Strangeness
                    - Aeriel, Goddess of the Seasons
                    - Pheayre, Sugardaddy of Druids
                    - Drachenfeld, Deity of Warriors
                    - Lenslakin, Enigma of the Mystic
 Transcendence - Lascivias, The Riddler in the Dark
               - Thalasian, DragonCow

                  The Cry of Despair . Funny Bones
 Trip to Hell - by Indalecio
 When I first entered the Realms, the first thing I noticed
 was a list of things you shouldn't do known as the laws.  I
 especially took notice to one of the punishments, a trip
 to hell.  So I decided to take it upon myself to make this
 Trip.  So, with immortal assistance, and upon the requests of
 my enemies, I went to hell.

 As if picked up by the scruff of your neck by a mighty hand, you find
 yourself unceremoniously dumped at a strange gateway.  Here is the
 place which will determine your fate.  Whether you will be sent back
 to life as you once knew it, or proceed onto a far more bleak pathway.
 The time has come for you to plead your case and await judgement for 
 the crimes that have been placed upon your head.  Speak wisely and 
 choose your words carefully, for your testimony will be written in 
 ledgers of the Gods, and will determine the path you will ultimately

 Exits: none
 A demon imp hovers nearby...drooling constantly with a fiendish grin.

 My day in hell was well... hell.  In hell, there is nothing to do,
 nowhere to go, and a very bad smelling imp.  Though we eventually
 became good friends, the imp and I will never be real companions.
 Your magic is blocked, and food is supplied through the imp.  Hell
 is truly a prison for the naughty, and is not worth spending time in.
 To answer a very popular question:  No, Hell is not a very good
 vacation spot.

 Sillie Immies! 

 ------------------------------[ IMMORTALS ]--------------------------
 Thiefie!       Dria: Love can be so boring...
 Fearie!        Pheayre wears a black ribbon.
 Sleezie!       Thorpe GreyBorne: two more weeks till waitress heaven.
 Pixie!         Tiki Sneaki, having had sufficient experience with 
	prince, seeks frog.
 Flutterie!     Elisabet Evenstar-Atal:  Warning - I have an attitude 
	and know how to use it!
 Ticklie!       Tical; Reality is just an illusion created by alcoholic
 Wenchie!       Iliana DarkRaven. 
 Baalie!        Lascivias; Damaged people are dangerous, they know 
	they can survive.
 Deadlie!       Drachenfeld DarkRaven.

 Thorpe's New Business - by Giko (Public Submission)

 Thorpe traffics 'Thorpe's new escort service officially open, send all 
 orders to Pheayre (my secretary) 
 You tell Pheayre 'looking for a blonde, redhead and brunette all 
 fairly short with big boobs'

 Pheayre tells you 'sorry we have nothing like that in our selection'

 You tell Pheayre 'Well got anything cute?'

 Pheayre tells you 'Well i can offer you our cow imm, only 25 million 
 an hour' 

 You tell Pheayre 'hmm'

 You tell Pheayre 'i thought your cow was male, i may go for Male
 Humans but not a male cow :('

 Pheayre tells you 'oh, sorry... would perhaps like our mail order 

 You tell Pheayre 'yes please, i need some reading while i go to the 

 Pheayre tells you 'i'll have to direct you to our literature dept. on 
 that one, I just take the orders here at'

 You tell Pheayre 'thanx i'll check it out'

 Pheayre tells you 'np =) have a nice day.'

 Thorpe claws his way up from his grave.
 You tell Pheayre 'the models are nude right'

 Thorpe says 'ok..ive got your order'

 You say 'yes!'

 Dria arrives from a puff of smoke.

 Thorpe looks innocently about himself.

 Thorpe is pulled below ground by dozens of talonous hands.

 You go ooOOooOOooOOoo.

 You say 'Hey Babe'

 Dria rolls her eyes.

 Thorpe arrives from a puff of smoke.
 You say 'this one seems lifeless :('

 Dria grins fiendishly as she is devoured by swirling black mists.

 Thorpe grins evilly.

 Thorpe says ' up'

 You say 'how much'

 Thorpe sits down and thinks deeply.

 Thorpe says 'thinking'

 Thorpe says '5 mill works'

 You give Thorpe some gold.

 Thorpe says 'Dria's worth every penny'

 Thorpe thanks you heartily.

 Thorpe waves heartily.

 Thorpe is pulled below ground by dozens of talonous hands.

 Dria gives you 2500000 coins.

 You tell Dria 'sweet half my money back'

 Thorpe gives you 2500000 coins.

 Thorpe tells you 'Dria decided that this one was on the house'

 You tell Thorpe 'It musta been cause I was so good!'

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 Questions? Comments? Articles? Clearing House Publishing Sweepstakes?
 Post all such things to the public board in the Town Hall:
 East, South, Up, Up, South, West, South from Darkhaven Square

 Thank You For Reading The Cry of Despair Issue #51