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Newbie Council interview; Lynda defies you to define insanity

                           The Cry of Despair
Issue Number 29                                                   3.12

 Mortal Staff:
 Alendil, Alerious, Apollonia, Azrakare, Barentin, Conran, Elaria,
 Elbanon, Kannan, Laine, Nimue, Nitsuj, Odessyus, Saraphin, Sarig,
 Shamisen, Shingo, Thabo and Tobie
 Mortal Editor: Kuah

 Immortal Staff:
 Kyrnia, Lascivias and Loril
 Immortal Editor: Ayesh

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 Cry3 - 9 The Newbie Council
 Meet a handful of members from the NC, and hear them speak on a
 Council that they hold dear.
 Cry10-11 The Ruins
 All is quiet and restless in the Realms of the Pkiller
 Cry12    Symposium News
 Read about the latest from the TS!
 Cry13-16  Random Encounters
 Loril is at it again, introducing us to fascinating people
 Cry17-20 Quest and Contest
 The winner to last issues contest, as well as a new contest!
 and we have an urgent message from the Duke!
 Cry21    Poets Corner
 A new section to the CoD, Poetry!
 Cry22-25 Funny Bones
 Top Ten, Jokes and The Sage Elbanon returns with wisdom!
 Cry26    Group News
 News on Guilds/Orders/Nations
 Cry27-29 Submitted Works
 Stories and Poems submitted by the public

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 I take us to a place we all have been. Its structure and host now
 more than a part of DarkHaven. Where the screams of confusion and
 the grunts of training are common place. I am talking of course,
 about the DarkHaven Academy.

 But it is not the academy I wish to focus attention on this day. My
 subject will be the council that can lay claim to the academy as its
 head quarters. The council who would gladly assist those new to the
 city of DarkHaven and to the Realms.

 So I searched all over the realms for Council members to ask them in
 their own words the whys and hows of being on the Newbie Council.
 From what the Newbie Council is to them to some of the funniest
 stories they shared with me, it was a lesson that was more full of
 answers than a help file ever was.

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 While talking with many of the members that I ran into during my
 travels for this article, the first thing I would always wonder was
 how they would describe the Newbie Council in their own words. I
 learned fast that it was pretty much the same answer across the

 Vira, a council member for 2 years now, "Well, we try to help out
 everyone adapt to the mud, help them take their first steps."

 Jonqualyn also a council member for 2 years, "The Newbie Council is a
 band of intrepid and experienced adventurers, who have combined their
 knowledge and strengths to introduce the 'newbies' of the realms to
 the game and to assist those in need.'

 And then Raltaris, a member for 6 months, "The Newbie Council is a
 collection of like minded people who enjoy each others company and
 like to help others in the Realms." He then added, "As for main task,
 The council is just a means by which these people can help newbies

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 I know, I know, ask something that would spark answers that are more
 entertaining to read and hear about. I was just amazed at how every
 answer to that first question was identical. So we can rest better
 now, knowing they all know the task and focus of the Newbie Council.

 Everyone of the Council members I met with was also on the same page
 as far as how the Council itself has not changed that much since its
 start, only the faces have. But each member is well prepared, there
 to handle those who seek need in their first days in the Realms

 Try and remember back to your first days in the Realms. Just how big
 is this maze under the Tullfuhrzky Manor anyway? And who is this
 Tagetarle person and why should I care? Where is my corpse? Why did
 this Asp person just kill me. How do I, Where do I, When, What...

 And thats not even including the dredded 'no clue but here it comes
 anyway question', "What do I do?"

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 There has to be something special about those who can handle the
 repetative nature of assisting new members to the Realms. I was so
 courious to find what sort of people we were dealing with here. I
 asked some of them to tell me what drives them to be on the Newbie
 Council, what personal reward could they gain from it?

 Raltaris told me "Well by joining NC i've met a lot of awesome
 people, found out the immortals dont just slay on sight and are
 actually super cool and that warm fuzzy feeling you can get

 Then Jonqualyn added "The driving force of any NCer is usually the
 same, the desire to help others, and to guide them to become more
 than they began as."

 And as for reward, Vira stated "It's the 'Thanks!!!' you get!"

 Jonqualyn then said, "The rewards can be as small as a quiet
 "thank you", or as huge as the friendship and companions in the NC.
 Both are equally nice."

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 Try to remember back to when you were a new player and you did some
 of the most dumbest things. (I still do them now, but thats not a
 flaw, it is just character... or is that character flaw?)

 Anyway, I asked the members I talked with to share with me some of
 their favorite memories and funny stories from the Council.

 Laurel, who was fairly new to the council, answered about her
 favorite memory, so far, while in the Council. "My first difficult
 CR(Corpse Retrieval) I believe it was in The Blasted Lands, where I
 had never been before. 'Newbies' do get lost in the toughest places.
 I did a successful CR and was very pleased with myself."

 Raltaris added, "Well some of the best memories are like the great
 feeling you get when you find a particularly hard CR. Especially
 when the CRee turns around and says thanks. Most times the warm fuzzy
 feeling you get makes the CR good."

 Laurel then added "Also, there was the newbie I CR'd... He was so
 grateful he gave me all his money. All 10k of it!" Laurel chuckled,
 "I did give him the money back though."

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 Jonqualyn spoke, "There have been several times whilst CRing that I
 have watched other NCers drown in the pixie pond. Being a sea-elf,
 its nice to gloat about those times."

 And I'll admit, I have drowned there as an Avatar. But her telling me
 this made me laugh, it is a classic! Jonqualyn said, "Of course, I
 always remind them to cast aqua, after the first death."

 Raltaris then added, "The strangest thing, well amazingly the strange
 things tend to come from the interactions with Immortals. They have
 some weird answers to some things.

 Newbie says 'How do I become Immortal?'

 Parisul says 'It's a very tiresome journey involvoing some coal and
 a yak. A furry one.'

 Raltaris asks Parisul 'So how does this furry yak and coal thing

 Parisul answers, 'Can't.  You aren't allowed to know until the sacred
 journey starts so you can't study up on it.. :p'

The Newbie Council . By: Kuah Cha'Din

 The Newbie Council has always been there for those new to the Realms.
 And it was unanamous that there would always be a place for the

 Vira spoke, "Yes, there'll always be people that love helping

 Jonqualyn added "The NC is one of the first and most important
 organisations a newbie meets in his life in RoD, and one that is
 often a dependable lifeline for many."

 I want to thank all of the members I had the pleasure of meeting. I
 am beyond sure that all those new to the Realms and those who seek
 support are in good hands if the Newbie Council is even half as nice
 and as professional as they were when talking to me. Thank you.

The Ruins . By: Odessyus

 Once again I have traveled back to the town of the dark ones, it
 seems to be a new hobby for me.

 I made my way to the crumbled temple, hoping to find some new
 parchments to read. When I arrived there, there was a glowing
 parchment, attached to a pole which was sticking straight up out of
 the ruins. It stated that the immortals will no longer tolerate the
 use of derogatory language towards anyone and the punishment for not
 abiding by this new rule will result in the immortals using their
 godly magic and taking away ones voice.

 The town was very quiet on this day, I could not find any mortal to
 evesdrop on. I wandered around the town some more until I came
 across a few more parchments, cluttered around one another. Each
 had some things scrawled on it about how effective mages are if
 they cannot summon up mindless drones to do their bidding and
 how it is only taking away from their abilities if they cannot steal
 wields any longer.

 A few of the parchments spoke out against Merida once again, they get
 boring, so I decided not to read them and moved along.

The Ruins . By: Odessyus

 I finally found some mortals while wandering the town and hid behind
 some rubble and listened. They spoke of how they wished to have a
 place to stay and rest with their own and they wished to bring their
 own equipment in from where they origionally came from.

 Immortals must have been listening, for a voice boomed from the
 heavens and stated how it was abused by the powers before.

 I found more parchments against the Merida, it must be boring to
 live the life of a dark one if all there is to do is insult the

 I did find another glowing parchment however, one that stated that two
 mortals will be spending time in hell for listing family members of
 certain mortals.

 The town was still pretty much empty and lifeless, and I was tired and
 sick, so I left to my warm bed back at DarkHaven.

Symposium News . By: Shingo

 The past two weeks have brought some major changes into the council.
 We have created a sub-committee within the council which will deal
 in certain aspects of the ideas that are brought to us.
 Valanna heads this sub-committee.

 Aside from some of the changes in the council, we discussed on many
 ideas. We have passed an idea to increase one's mobility, and we
 might see a new race of creatures.

 Applications to The Symposium have reopened - more information
 posted in the Archives of the Town Hall. We look forward to seeing
 new faces in the Council.


Random Encounters . By: Loril

 I've lived many centuries in these Realms and during that time I've
 had the good fortune of meeting many strange, fascinating and
 wonderful people. My intention is to introduce some of them to you
 and, when possible, interview them for the Cry of Despair.

 I'm finding that, my plans notwithstanding, it's not always turning
 out that way... as the following story will attest. I met Lynda only
 after this story was handed to me by someone who begged to remain
 anonymous. Of course, I would never write about someone without their
 permission. Lynda gave it (and laughed at me!) so here it is. I
 present to you now, Lynda, Anti-comedogenic Sister of the Coin.

 Short, blonde and fleet of foot, I almost didn't notice Lynda as she
 passed me in the entry to the Grim Smile that day.

 Her equipment, is the best available and obviously in good working
 condition. But there's no shine to her boots or metal garments. Her
 robes are tattered though servicable. She wears these... rags...
 almost proudly, I'd say.

Random Encounters . By: Loril

 She looked me up and down, with this sneer on her lips and I found
 myself wondering why I'd spent so much time polishing and mending
 this morning.

 Wondering suddenly why I spend so much of my time in worthless
 pursuits. I caught myself starting to question many things I
 previously thought to be important.

 I sat down to ponder these strange thoughts when the sound of a huge
 "PTHPTHPTH!" half startled the life out of me! I jumped to my feet,
 curses to a thousand gods on my lips!

 Lynda retrieved her whoopee cusion, threw back her head and cackled
 gleefully at me.

 She was gone in a blink, and I was left, heart pounding, cursing her
 retreating form and wondering why I attached any importance at all to

Random Encounters . By: Loril

 But still... a strange disquiet remained and I had to know this
 person. The guard at Darkwall thought he remembered her heading into
 town. Corienne wasn't certain but someone matching Lynda's
 description might have sold her a blade of dubious origin. I trailed
 her for some time in this manner and finally caught up with her a
 few days later at The Inn of the Last Home. I talked to her (drinking
 far too many jello shots in the doing) and here is her story as I
 gathered it that night.

 Born, she assumes in Darkhaven, that town is where she was 'raised'
 by her father, Sid, a silly street peddler, killed by an avatar for
 being too spammy. Lynda is somewhat proud of her father for not
 losing his life to a newbie as had so many of his cronies. Lynda
 witnessed many of these killings, including that of her father. Her
 only regret is that he was stupid enough to spam an avatar and die
 for it. She never knew her mother but assumes her thieving skills
 derived from that source.

 Lynda spent her childhood on the streets of Darkhaven... her friends,
 the beggars and stray dogs... her companions the books in the Lounge
 and her daydreams while staring out the window of the Western Lounge.

 Much of her childhood was spent reading, daydreaming and listening to
 stories in the Lounges and the Grim Smile, undetected by those doing
 the telling.

Random Encounters . By: Loril

 She says her time in the streets, her reading and snooping taught
 her four things: evil people kill innocent people; stupid people die
 stupid deaths; good people are usually mis-understood, even
 considered to be insane ...

 I interrupted her here. Insane, I wondered? Yes, she replied. Her
 boyfriend is a chicken and the kindest, deepest, sanest person she's
 ever known. A chicken, I sputtered .. like in .. a hen? Her response
 was to simply nod and smile. After a moment I realised Lynda wasn't
 about to clear this up for me in any way.

 Lynda winked at me as she calmly removed my coin purse from the belt
 pouch of the stately looking gentleman at the next table (was that
 Duke Luther?!) and paid our bill.

 "The fourth thing I learned is perhaps the most important thing of
 all. One day, as she was wont to do, Marianna (kind, sweet soul)
 brought me a cherry pie and told me the fable of someone named Robin

 Lynda learned to mis-trust appearances.

 After all she's seen and heard, Lynda defies you to define insanity.

Quest and Contest . By: Staff

 Last issue we had a request from the captain of the guard. His basic
 request was for someone to write about the easiest creature to slay.
 we had plenty of good entrys, but the winner was none other than
 Eldygar. The runner-up (who gains no prize other than we found this
 entry so good we decided to print it as well) was written by Tulani.
 Thanks to all of you who submitted!

 Easiest creature to slay, By: Eldygar, General of Aborlon

 Captain of the Guard, greetings to you!

 You asked us which creature easiest to kill. You may be disappointed
 with my answer as it may not be what you expected, but here it is
 nonetheless. The creature, is oneself.

 Think on this a moment -- whether we are fresh out of the academy or
 seasoned hunters in Seth's Fortress, death is always around the
 corner. Even the hardiest among us drowns very quickly in the ocean.
 And many the avatar has fallen due to a forgotten protection spell or
 two. Then there are the dreaded deathtraps...

 So you see, of all the creatures in the realm, until we reach
 immortality each of us is very easily slain at times.

Quest and Contest . By: Staff
 and the runner up...

 Easiest creature to slay, By: Tulani, the troll-eating pixie

 Hello all. As I was reading the Cry of Despair I noticed the contest
 in the corner of the page. Well immediately, I jumped up and grabbed
 my quill. For I know the easiest creature to kill, hands down.

 Here it is: The easiest creature in all of Realms of Despair is....
 the Troll Now you may ask yourself, troll? Aren't they large hulking
 brutes with big clubs who squish things? Well, yes and no. Allow me
 to elaborate.

 First of all, trolls are very large, much taller and heavier than the
 average human. This makes them extremely easy to track, as they can be
 heard for miles around. Their smell also attributes to the facility of
 tracking them.

 I have never met a troll who did not smell like a ripe manure pile.
 You may have heard the saying, 'the bigger they are, the harder they
 fall.' There are several ways to use the troll's weight against him.
 They are slow, cumbersome creatures that cannot even hope the match the
 speed of a pixie such as myself.

Quest and Contest . By: Staff

 I favorite tactic of mine is to fly up on high and swoop down upon
 the unsuspecting troll like a bird of prey. Now, not to disparage
 any trolls, but they aren't all that bright either.

 You might say they're a few sandwiches short of a picnic. This makes
 luring them into traps as easy as pie. Having hunted and eliminated
 many trolls in my time, I have firsthand knowledge of their workings
 and therefore must conclude that they are the easiest creature in
 all The Realms to kill.

 Again, Thanks to all who submitted.

 This Issues Contest!

 We are holding a contest for best BIO. If you have one you think is
 a winner, or know someone who has a great bio. Submit a copy of the
 complete bio. (This is what people see when they check WHOIS on you.)
 Deadline for submissions: March 22nd
 Submissions can be posted e,s,u,u,s,w,s from DarkHaven Square,
 and on the note board south of Quills and Parchments on Market St.
 REMEMBER: Pictures are nice, but we are looking for Biographies!

Quest and Contest . By: Staff

 Hear ye, hear ye! A missive from Duke Luther follows.

 Avatars of Despair,

 The city of Darkhaven once again is in peril.. I seek a group of
 champions to fight off this evil. Tournaments to determine the
 winners will be held Sunday, March 19th at 5 pm EST. If you wish
 to apply, please form groups of four and have the leader leave a
 mail message with my secretary, Kyrnia. I am looking for the bravest
 and strongest, a team that will help save Darkhaven! Be prepared for

 Duke Luther

Poets Corner . By: Alendil

 Life twists,
 Life turns,
 Life leaves you always asking why.
 Life speeds by, eternity in a flash
 Loves, losses, infant to elder
 in the chaos,
 the swells and bursts of confusion,
 Paths cross that should never meet
 as destined mergings go unfound.
 We live our lives blindfolded,
 Dark clouds whisp in a lost embrace
 confusion hinders
 ignorance misleads
 and friends and loves we tend to miss.
 At times life's twists straighten,
 doors once unknown swing open;
 and in chance if two lights meet,
 if two once dim glimmers spark into suns,
 and two hearts break and meld as one.
 Or if by chance two minds meet,
 if a bond with deepest root is given seed to spawn
 a friendship forms with springlike beauty,
 and two lives happiness are given growth.

Funny Bones . By: Elbanon, Nitsuj, Kuah

 Words of wisdom and phrases to live by from the wise old sage,

 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

 At the end of your rope? Tie a knot and SWING!

 It is better to keep your mouth shut, and look like a fool, than to
 open your mouth, and remove all doubt.

 You can tell the quality of a person by how they treat people they
 don't need.

 Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so

 Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back

 Anything not nailed down is mine. (Anything I can pry loose is not
 nailed down)

Funny Bones . By: Elbanon, Nitsuj, Kuah

 This issues TOP 10!:  Top 10 famous last words...

 10. Warrior to a mage:
 What do you mean Aquabreath? Let's just strap on some weights, grab
 the trident, and we can be home before dinner.

 9. "Sanctuary is a useless spell"

 8. Clerics can tank just fine. All I need is a mace and a spellbook

 7. Mortal to Immortal:
 Staking? I've only been here for 15 hours...

 6. Xyz chats "Visit my new mud, it offers more areas, better classes
 and all sorts of perks that RoD doesn't."

 5. Nah, 50 heals is plenty for killing Seth.

Funny Bones . By: Elbanon, Nitsuj, Kuah

 4. The room next to me read "DON'T GO HERE, THIS IS A DT!!" But I
 went there anyway and I lost all my equipment. What happened?

 3. Don't worry about the fly spell. It's possible to sprint across
 the pit without falling onto the sharpened steel spikes below.

 2. I could kill The Tarrasque with one hand behind my back
 while blindfolded...

 1. "Ribbitt"


 A knight and his men return to their castle after a hard month of
 "How are we faring?" his king asks.
 "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on
 your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
 "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
 "Oh." replies the knight. "Well, you do now."

Funny Bones . By: Elbanon, Nitsuj, Kuah


 Lyrias: Its all about clown love.
 Ibis brews viagra potions for impotent Upomak.
 Bruce Wayne killed Superman with Kryptonite.
 Uizel? ferret? mink? They all taste the same to me.
 Geanma the Genesis wielding Chief Gnome slayer.
 Katulu is too hungover to play with explosives.
 Lillminx swung her cat 4 times b4 hiting the wall.
 Feyd Illiterate? Write today for free help
 Ubasolox will kill for eq.
 VaCh: I'm not a cow, get ur hands out from under there.
 Zoltan mourns the loss of the Buzz.
 Kellandra had a dream that locate came back.
 Teralayah(- Played with the Deck of Many things and got a
          T-shirt that says "Helled and slayed by the Deck!".
 Zwanth--once you get to lvl 50 there's NOTHING to do.
 Qulex doesn't get stoned... He gets normal.

Group News . By: Staff

 MaidenStone News

 The Order of MaidenStone is currently seeking enthusiastic maidens
 to join its ranks. Accomidations such as a masseur, a loving tiger,
 a room in which to brew, and much more await!
 Grats to Kuah and Raltaris for passing their Warder Quest!

 (Please be sure to read 'help maidenstone' if you are interested!)

 If you are a REP or wish to be a REP for your group/guild/order/
 nation and so on, contact Alerious. This way news from your group
 can make it into the CoD. Thank You.

Submitted Works . By: Public Submitted Works

 Story of Galgorf By: NoCtUrNe

 After months of improving and testing my skills in the Darkhaven
 Academy I had finally fulfilled the requirements to graduate.
 Reflecting an aura of confidence I left the Academy complex and
 strode proudly down the busy streets of Darkhaven. While I strutted
 around as if I was Hercules himself, peddlers hawking their wares
 came up to me, and beggars pleaded for a few paltry coins.

 Walking down Horizon Street I heard cheers and laughter coming from a
 building to the south. Above it a sign creaked in the gentle breeze,
 bearing the words 'The Grim Smile'. I decided something cold to drink
 would do me good and walked in. As I ordered a mug of ale I noticed
 an older-looking gnome sitting at the end of the bar nursing a beer
 by himself. He turned to me and recognized my Academy attire in awe
 (or perhaps that was just my imagination) then introduced himself as
 a member of the Shattered Refuge village council.

 After a few minutes of small talk the man started telling me of the
 problems plaguing his village. He told me scientitst with critical
 information concerning their inventions had disappeared with no one
 able to find any trace of them.

Submitted Works . By: Public Submitted Works

 The village council hoped that he would be able to find someone in
 Darkhaven to help them.  A sizeable reward purse for any help given
 finished convincing me, so, without hesitation I offered my

 Soon after, we were on our way to the village where we met with the
 chieftain. He thanked me for my kind offer and gave me a pass that
 allowed me to search any person or building I wished. I promissed the
 chieftain that I would find the cause of the mysterious
 disappearances and left. I thought searching the science buildings
 would give me some clues, but I found nothing.

 Then, as I was examining some of the strange machines in the last
 building, I was suddenly transported to a different location. It
 was clearly the dwelling of one of the scientists, but no one seemed
 to be home. I took the liberty of going through the inhabitant's
 belongings when I heard a muffled cry coming from the large building
 next door.

 The odd arrangement of the furniture struck me at once, as I entered
 the building. I took a closer look at the floor and suddenly found a

Submitted Works . By: Public Submitted Works

 Catching a sudden movement out of the corner of my eye, I turned with
 lightning speed. An infuriated gnome scientist stood at the doorway
 and with a cry launched himself at me with his knife. In one move I
 drew my trusty sword from its sheath, and hewed with all my might at
 the traitor. The fight was long and grueling, but in the end I sent
 his head rolling to the ground with a powerful sweep.

 I ran in excitement to the chieftain's house and explained to him
 what had happened. I had revealed the traitor in the village, and
 found the way by which the scientists had been abducted. Convinced
 and thankful the chieftain handed to me the promised reward. He
 assured me that long after, my name would be remembered by the gnomes
 as a hero.

 After a while I left the village and headed back to Darkhaven. The
 gnomes would assemble their men, and further search the caves beneath
 the trapdoor of the traitor's house. And I had gotten what I had
 strived for. Fame and glory. And money...

 Galgorf Dwarrion, Human Ranger of New Thalos.

               Thank you from the Society of Scribes!
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